Life update

As I stare at this white, blank screen, I'm not sure where to even begin.  So much has happened since I posted last; it's almost like I'm writing on a whole new blog.  Although I'm not very good at it, and I take breaks often, I do love blogging and everything that comes with it.  I love finding new blogs and not only following their blog, but also following them on social media as well.  I love finding blogs to inspire me in all walks of life.  Whether it be fashion, food, home décor, etc., I have found some seriously great woman to follow on a daily basis. 

That's probably why I'm no good at blogging myself-I compare myself to blogs that have been around for months, maybe even years.  After a few months, I find myself having a hard time deciding what to write, so I'll start writing posts that mean nothing and are there for no good reason.  All the 'starting your blog' posts I've read seem to have one common theme through them-write about a passion so it's easy to write about and so it doesn't become a chore.  "Oh no, I've got to get a post published for tomorrow." So inevitably, after a few months, I take a break so it stops becoming a chore. 

So, here I am, needing that outlet again and hoping that this time will be different.  I've never had a true vision of what my blog will become; I simply try not to have any expectations of it and If I write one day, great!  If I don't write the next, that's okay too!

Today, I'm choosing to write. 

Maybe I'll go into more detail another day, but for now, I'll just simply say the last several months (7 to be exact) have been some of the most trying, difficult months I'll ever live.  September of 2014 I was 22 weeks pregnant with our first child-a boy we knew we were going to name Oliver.  I woke up like any other day, but upon going to the bathroom, I knew something was wrong.  To make a long story short, I delivered our son that day. 

On September 1 2014, our baby boy Oliver Jay was born and lived in this world for only about 2 hours before leaving us to meet his maker.  I could say the cliché words here like, "Words can't describe the feeling.." or " We are heartbroken..", and of course all of those are true, but everyone knows that.  Any breathing human being can empathize with a person who has had to bury their child, 4 days after delivering him.

The truth is, there literally are no words to describe what it's like to deliver a baby, and 4 days later bury him. 

Heartbreaking doesn't seem to do it justice. 

I've been fortunate enough to not ever really have to deal with loss through my life.  My grandfather passed away several years ago and of course that was sad, and I cried and missed him, but he was almost 90 years old and lived a good life. I was 18 years old and could accept that he was in a better place and he needed to move on to Heaven where he could be healthy and happy again. 

But when your son dies, what purpose does that serve?  Why would a 22 week gestation baby die?  I struggled, and still do, with understanding and accepting his death.

I've said since my son passed away, that the reason I never had much loss in my life growing up was because God knew the mother of all losses was coming my way when I was 25 years old and expecting my first baby with my husband. 

On top of the unimaginable loss, I had several complications and was in and out of the hospital for the entire month of September and have had countless procedures/surgeries since then.  And on top of all that, my other grandfather passed away a mere 5 days after Oliver did.  I felt like everything was caving in on me at once, and for that it took me a while to accept all the loss that had occurred. 

I have accepted, and am trying my best to be positive in a world where being positive is the last thing I want to do. 

Let me be clear, I trust in God's plan and thank God that He chose me to be my son's mother, even if it is in a way that is different than I had planned.  I found out a lot about my body and health when I became pregnant (another post entirely, if ever), and I truly believe that Oliver was sent to me to warn me of certain things I needed to be warned about.  He potentially saved my life and for that I am forever grateful.

He is truly my guardian angel and for that I am so lucky. 

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